Dr. Tushara Srinivasan - Inspirational Speech

Bharatanatyam & Kuchipudi Practitioner

Full Transcript

00:00 Good evening my dear students, academic dignitaries, fellow speakers, ladies and gentlemen. I am Dr. Tushara Srinivasan. I am a Bharatanatyam and a Kuchipudi practitioner. For those who don't know about Kuchipudi, it is the Indian classical dance form originated from the state of Andhra Pradesh. Before I answer the question,

00:28 Why am I dancing or why do I dance? I want to begin this with the question, why did I dance? The answer is very simple. My parents and my grandparents made me join the dance class at the age of five. When I was five years old, I was put in a dance class. So I didn't know what dance was, why should I dance? No questions asked.

00:54 The point is on the first day of my dance class, actually something happened. In my first day of dance class, I was asked to take a basic position in dance, in Bharatanatyam, which we call as half sitting, aremandi. Half sitting is nothing but you just need to go down like this and just keep your both hands on the hip and hold the position. It is visually appealing.

01:24 but it is very difficult to do. So my teacher asked me to sit take that position half sitting position. I took the position after some time I actually felt a burning sensation on my thighs. I was unable to sit. She didn't ask me to stand. I continued sitting after that point my body started shaking.

01:56 something in me didn't let me stand up that day. Is it because of the fear that whether the teacher will scold me on the day one? No. Is it because of the fear of disappointing my parents and grandparents on day one? No. I don't know what that something was.

02:18 but that something made me sit hold that position that day. Now let me take you through the journey of that something that evolved into my purpose over two decades.

02:33 So I continued dancing. Why did I dance? As I said because of my parents. I actually like my dance teacher a lot. I had great respects for her and over a period of time I loved the attention that I got from all the students parents, friends at my school any competition any annual day function I danced I loved the applause I loved the sound of applause. It still resonates in my ears.

03:02 After that point I started enjoying the vanity of that.

03:08 vanity is the core marketing thing that is happening right now right without that vanity none of us will do whatever we are doing right now. So that vanity point was actually literally was a big dopamine that I had at that time. I was like 8 or 9 years old.

03:27 I danced for that, that was my thought.

03:32 So, what happened was after few years my dance teacher relocated to another place unlike today there was no options for online classes or travelling to a very far place just to have a dance class those options were not available. So, I had to continue learning dance from her physically, but I had opportunities to perform. So, what I did? I created my own dance numbers which means I choreographed my own dance items.

04:01 It was like an amateur science project. So I used to take, okay let me take this step from here, this step from there and let me put things together and I did and I performed. But that something in me actually made me pushed me to watch the performance of many expert dancers. I don't know why at that time. So when I started watching the other performance of other dancers then I saw okay so we can dance like this too right. Oh this looks so good. We can do like this too right.

04:30 So I was thinking about that. At that juncture a movie came called Mitra My Friend. I don't know how many of you know that movie. That movie was directed by actress Revathi and the main character was performed by actress Shobana. It was not a dance based movie but 15 seconds in that movie had a dancing Bharatanatyam sequence which had a very different math to it. Yes, dance choreographies has mathematical patterns in it.

05:00 Actually it's a separate study. So I didn't knew about those things. Believe it or not that was a Sunday morning 8.30 my mother went out for some personal work. I was sitting on the couch watching that 15 seconds over and over again till evening 6.30 only then my mother came. She held at me for not even moving a single inch from the couch. But I didn't decipher that math pattern. The next day I called my uh Rathangam player that Anna.

05:29 and asked Anna what is this thing? This is actually looking different. So he explained the mathematical pattern behind it. I immediately fell in love with that. So I started experimenting more. Okay let me put this pattern, try this pattern, try this pattern and put together everything and I performed that time. That was a proper dance choreography that I did when I was like 12-13 years old. something seeing something point happen next. I got the video of the program. When I saw the video.

05:59 Generally when you all do some work, when you see the work it will be you will feel like yeah I did the work, I am actually uh seeing the work or seeing the output I am proud of it. So that will be the general thought. But when I saw the video, when I saw my choreography, I was not seeing as a first person, instead I was seeing as a third person as one of the audience members. I had that feeling I don't know why. At that moment I understood it is not me.

06:29 who is doing these things but I actually saw that something working through me to come in that output format. That was the moment I saw that particular something.

06:42 This something factor, why I am talking about something is as I said before the something turns into your purpose.

06:53 This something actually had a big impact in my life, in my behavior, in my attitude when I started teaching dance. I started teaching dance when I was 14 years old. It was not a planned one. It happened. That's it. In my childhood, I had the fear of darkness. I don't, I was, I used to be very scared of the dark. It extended to the color black. So I associated the darkness with the color black.

07:22 I got scared of the color black which eventually extended to getting scared of the people who had dark skin complexion. In my childhood I had that problem. It was there for many years I avoided myself from talking to people with dark skin complexion. I was so scared. My parents, my grandparents, everyone sat with me, talked with me regarding how bad that fear was.

07:50 And actually my behavior was showing a different thing in public. But they know very well that I am scared of dark. Many years they tried, it didn't go away. I never wore a black dress in my childhood, I used to be very scared of it. When I started teaching dance class, students with different color complexion came to learn dance from me. In that one child, I still remember, she was of, she had a dark skin complexion.

08:20 First I was literally so scared to go near her, dance being a physical art form when a child is unable to hold this position we as dance teachers we are supposed to like lift the hand up make the child sit everything we are supposed to do. I was hesitant to do that because of the color. Then my grandmother who was also a teacher told me that this is not fair on your part to do like this you are a teacher now you are not supposed to do this.

08:49 Many years they have spoken to me about it but at that moment in my mind that something worked. It asked me what I was doing was wrong and to correct the child. That moment that barrier got broken, I corrected the child. You know what the thought that came into my mind was how ignorant I was was the moment. Oh my God! That child she has dark skin complexion, she is dancing so beautifully.

09:16 She is one of my best students till date. That moment, that something broke a very big barrier that I had in my mind. Now black is one of, one of my most favorite colors. Even if you open my wardrobe right now, many of my kurtas and salwars are black. This was done by that something. Second thing, I had a bad phase in my life where actually I was about to take a very bad decision.

09:46 I was in the verge of the train coach. The next step you all would have guessed what I was I would have done. Generally they say at that moment life flashes in front of the eyes, faces of the loved ones come in front of the eyes. Actually I got the face of one of my most sincere students. She had her debut dance program from a week after that moment.

10:14 I don't know why I got that students face, she was the most sincere student. I thought okay if I take this decision all my problems might be over I don't know but what about her, what about her practice? So that something which was operating through me it pulled me back at that moment and from that day to till date.

10:39 any at any point of time in my life whenever any emotion of me is like really high, let it be happiness, let it be sadness, let it be anger, any emotion whenever it is high I take a pause, I step back, I stay calm for some time and then I decide I don't react. This was made possible by that something.

11:02 the major moment when my movement actually turned into meaning happened when I started learning Kuchipudi. I started learning Kuchipudi when I was 34 years old. I did not start when I was when I was in my teenage or in my young age. I started when I was 34 years old. Actually I loved Kuchipudi since my childhood. Suddenly one day after having a surgery I said to my family members that I wanted to learn Kuchipudi. They said yeah go well, go ahead. I started learning Kuchipudi. My Kuchipudi teachers are one of the best teachers I ever seen. But when I started learning I was that vanity part, that ego component, everything got shattered because whatever I did in Kuchipudi was a mistake. Whatever, whenever I stepped in a class I made a mistake. I was unable to accept that at all.

11:58 After a year in Kuchipudi, I got a performance in my teacher's ensemble as a part of my teacher's ensemble. So when I danced in that ensemble, music started playing, I was about to step in but at that moment my mind was raging with thoughts, what will people think of me? What if I get scolding? What if I make mistake? And for the first time in my entire life, I understood what stage fear was.

12:28 Since my childhood I never had stage fear that was the moment when I had the stage fear.

12:33 Above all a voice in my head was telling you are going to make mistake, you are going to make mistake, you are going to make mistake. But I stepped on to the stage. My thought was I need to do everything correctly, that's it. I did everything correctly, I did no mistakes. Everyone applauded. The same applause that was resonating in my ears for life became a hell at that moment. Because that was the moment when I lost the connect with the dance, I was feeling empty after a very successful performance.

13:03 That night I sat with myself and that night I decided if I am going to dance hereafter, I can dance without getting an applause but I cannot dance without having the connect with it or without feeling the happiness of it. At that moment I understood that to the question why did I dance, it is not for my parents, it is not for my teacher, it is not for applause, it is not for recognition, it is just for the joy that gave me. That I lost when the vanity part actually took the big spot. After that day I started practicing vigorously the other art form that is Kuchipudi. My body did not cooperate at all. I was thinking why should such beautiful art form have such rigorous training, why should it be so painful. Then I understood that when there is structure, when there is discipline all unnecessary things are removed.

14:01 when there is a structure and when there is a discipline, the unnecessary things like distraction, ego, everything will be removed eventually. When everything is removed, whatever stays is pure necessary thing that is the connect that we have with the art form. That is what I learnt. The next part is the identity part. How did my identity build up? Did my identity build up on the applause or the all the recognition that I got? No, not at all.

14:31 The identity that I built up it happened because of me returning to that 5 year old Tushara, 5 year old Tushara who struggled to sit in a half sitting, who struggled to keep the hand position but still practiced every day. So I returned every day to that practice and my identity got built up on that.

14:54 I worked as data modeler in a very big private automotive company for five years. After my PhD, I joined the company directly. You know how dance helped me in my corporate career. Actually, I had a very good corporate career. Every observation that I had in dance, it made me a good observer in my other career. I became a good listener. I became a good analyst. Above all, I became a good storyteller.

15:25 In Bharatanatyam we have a concept called Sancharibavam. Sancharibavam is nothing but the storytelling part in Bharatanatyam. So whenever I was so scared to present something in my office, I used to talk to myself. In Sancharibavam part I used to play various roles, various characters. So before stepping on to some part or to make some presentation, I used to tell myself, you are a person, you are a woman who has great confidence.

15:53 great eloquence who knows very well to express her ideas. So you are such a kind of a person. The minute I give that command to my mind I get into that Sancharibaba mode in Bharatanatyam and that moment actually I performed really well in my office.

16:10 But to get the connect back I had to quit that and again I focused, I started focusing on dance as a full time career.

16:21 So is this all only about dance? Where did this something convert into purpose?

16:28 when that something when you revisit, visit that something daily with sincere commitment and dedication and practice over a period of time that something becomes your purpose. A long lived purpose becomes your meaning and the long lived meaning becomes who you are. Let it be anything, let it be any work, it is not only about dance. I did not start by knowing the why of dance.

16:57 or how of dance, no. But that something actually caught me. If that something factor wants to catch you and you want to find your purpose because the term purpose, what is your purpose is actually overwhelming. If that wants, if you want to know your purpose, if that something wants to catch you, you want to make the space in you, all the unnecessary should go out of you. If all unnecessary should go out of you.

17:24 You should do everything that you are supposed to do, that you are given to do with utmost sincerity, commitment and discipline. Let it be cleaning a water bottle, let it be filling a water bottle, let it be preparing for exam, let it be grooming a dog, let it be like rocket launch, let it be organizing an event like this. Every act of you must be done with the utmost sincerity, commitment and dedication without expecting even 1 % of the output. Anything.

17:53 Let the output come but you need to give your 100 % to it. When you give that 100 % to whatever you do, if you do justice to the job, the job does justice to you. In that case all the unnecessary will be gone. The remaining one will be that something which will not let you sleep, which will not let you focus on anything else, which you will visit daily with very sincere practice, which will turn into purpose and then into meaning.

18:26 So that's the reason why I dance and this is the best of your work makes the something factor to enter which will turn into the purpose.

18:39 I just wanted to finish with this thought. I am not practicing the art. The art is practicing me. Millions of dancers before me have actually kept that half sitting stance perfectly, have danced so well. Billions of dancers after me are going to perform so well. I am not contributing anything to the art. Actually the art is making me better every day by making me practice.

19:08 by making me better by making me discover the best version of myself everyday. Even today that is an this is an experience for me. I take this as a lesson from the art form. Billions would have sat on the same hall before you. Billions are going to sit after you. So please make the space in within yourself for that why factor to come inside you and please give the best in whatever you do. Thank you.

— End of Speech —